Michael Jackson is dead, age 50 - exclusive opinion

Ok, Michael Jackson is dead. Deader than dead, actually. In fact, to be particularly honest, he's really as dead as they come. And after so much strife with reporters, journalists and hacks, sweatboys and print-outs, executives and executors of his debt, he has finally done what someone in his position should do...get the bloody hell out of here. So...

1. Sony, you're gonna make a LOT of money selling his records
2. Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of money buying his records
3. Non-Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of money buying his records
4. Non-Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of time writing on blogs and websites about people, whether they're a fan of Michael Jackson or not, spending a LOT of money buying his records
5. I'm going to spend time this weekend playing Xbox 360. Maybe some Fallout 3, although I did pick up Wolfenstein 3D for 400 Microsoft points, and that's a bargain for such a classic game. I mean, really, since id software has now been bought by Zenimax, parent company of Bethesda, I'm getting pretty disenfranchised with the entire industry as a consumer...and then afterwards watch some company, give some support to comedians and then have a few drinks, travel home with hope and dreams, jump into my shorts, maybe have a little poo, etc etc.
   

Us, Out of Service?? No way!!!

Some believe we're done for, the creativity of three grown men aching to make headway in writing biased and unsubstantiated lies of politicians and celebrities laying dead in the gutter and smelling of its own pee-pee.

But NO, we're not dead...we're just resting.

With Imran flying the flag for ethnic minorities to show the rest of the world that there are some good-looking men with broken noses underneath those bomber jackets, Ben making sure he can keep a job now that some companies are scared of paying money to staff that simply play games all day, and myself trying my very, VERY BEST, to convince my own mother that I can be a funny person, we're just following our dreams as best we can but remembering that the Daily Spam needs our little attention.

And attention it will get. Soon.

Financial Fool's Day Protests - London

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith in MP Expense "porn" caper

The United Kingdom's Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, is currently embroiled in an expenses scandal in which, apart from claiming cash back from the taxpayers to pay for her second home in Redditch, two adult films viewed by her husband Richard Timney over a television subscription service were claimed back. These two films, possibly portraying scantily-clad lesbians fondling each other in provocative ways in front of cameras for money, were charged at £5 each to the nation.

Looking at all these pictures of Jacqui Smith....CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WATCHING THEM???!!!!

When funny photos get funnier

Dalai Lama banned from South Africa; "We have enough in our zoos, thanks"

South African authorities have announced that they are not granting a visa to Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama, stating in a press release, "We have enough llamas in our zoos, thank you."

"Due to the ever-increasing population of llamas that are draining our economy and putting pressure on the 48 million people living within our borders, it does not seem sensible and logical to allow the leader of the llamas, who does not even live here, own a house here or even use a cellphone to order takeaway pizza, to come to our beautiful land with 95.7% of the nation being slightly tanned."

Sources for the Dalai Lama, who was to attend a peace conference during the 2010 World Cup being held in the country and which was to focus how football (or soccer, depending who's hosting the game would call it) can be used for peace by utlising the millions of hooligans with drink and drugs, said that they're pissed off and "gonna cap some asses."

Demi God Jade dies

Flags remained at half-mast today as the news of the death of Jade Goody, the People’s Foul Mouthed Princess, continued to reverberate around the world.

Champion of human rights, Defender of Peace, Uniter of nations, faiths and creeds, Mother of the world’s children, Guardian of Justice, an intellectual powerhouse. None of these titles describe Jade Goody, but it seems obvious to most, that if she had not died so young, Jade indeed would have saved the entire human race from economic, social and environmental disaster.

Three days of international mourning is set to take place, after a public outpouring of grief.

For her work in promoting reality TV and for having Cancer whilst being famous, The Queen has bestowed the title of Dame posthumously. Gordon Brown is reported to be in the middle of drafting a bill, that will officially rename Sunday to Jadeday, in honour of the hereon. Plans are also underway for a full state burial. It has also being rumoured that Jade will be laid to rest in Westminster Cathedral.

Newspapers, magazines, TV and Radio organisations have been rallying to remind us all that the life of a celebrity is worth 100,000 times more than that of a normal person.

Many Journalists are said to be struggling to restrain themselves from filling up every column inch and minute of airtime on the story; for soon they know that people will stop giving a shit, and the cash will stop flowing freely into their pockets.

If Jade’s life proves anything, is that even if you are not beautiful, intelligent, or talented in anyway, by getting your tits out on TV you too can become famous.

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Comments:

Jadelover
23 Mar 09, 9:03am03am

Her death proves once again that if God can give an AAA celebrity like Jade, Cancer, then really, anyone can get it!

Pap234
23 Mar 09, 9:04am

A celebrity life is with out a doubt a precious and wonderful thing. Everyone should be thankful for the never-ending heroic work of the Paparazzi, who put their life on the lines everyday in order that we can look at pictures of famous people in magazines and on TV.

Anon
23 Mar 09, 9:23am

WTF, she spent the last year trying to rescue her career, if it wasn’t for the Cancer she would have disappeared from completely.

LuvyajadeRIP
23 Mar 09, 10:01am

Luv ya Jade sooooo much!!!!!!XXX!!!! RIP!!!XXXX

Racistsburn
23 Mar 09, 10:01am

BURN IN HELL YOU RACIST PIG!

John32
23 Mar 09, 10:02am

Wow, seriously is there nothing else going on in the world. Think I heard a whisper about world financial ruin and a load of school children being murdered. But TBH some Z list celebrity nobody does deserve the front page of every newspaper.

IssacHussien
23 Mar 09, 10:07am

FREE PALESTINE!!! CONVICT THE ISRAELI WAR CRIMINALS!!!

Anon
23 Mar 09, 10:27am

i want 2 get cancer as wel so i can get on TV!

Deena G, Begay
23 Mar 09, 10:52am

Princesses always srieked at me and even fellows did in the open water closet!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 7 months and now my pecker is truly weightier than usual.
earn http://stratxsscs.com/

Mum willing to pay woman to sleep with Down's son

Lucy Baxter, a staunch supporter of equal rights for Down's Syndrome sufferers everywhere, is pleading to the general public for any female out there to spend time with her 21 year-old adopted son, Otto, and possibly form a deep and meaningful enough relationship to eventually remove his virginity.

She is determined to fulfill his need for procriation, but kindly requests for ladies of his own age-group as he is quite scared of doing the nasty with older women.

He likes pizzas, S Club 7, and Lindsay Lohan, and enjoys watching movies like Child's Play.

He acts in plays and has many friends, some even of a female nature who obviously don't want to ruin their friendship with him by letting him poke them vigorously with his juicy meat-stick.

Miss Baxter, if you're THAT willing to pay someone to have sex with your adopted son, please contact celebrity agent Max Clifford who can put you in contact with the following people willing to do it for the press time and money:

All images courtesy of the Mirror, and like fuck am I going to apologise for stealing them. 2009

Star Trek / Angels and Demons - Conspiracy?

I remember going to the theatre recently and watching trailers for upcoming films Star Trek and Angels and Demons. And both of them had a person jumping up with an implement ready to smash into someone's head.

This intrigued me, so I have begun to research into this:

Here we see Zachary Quinto's Spock jumping, about to hit Chris Pine's Captain Kirk over the head. Even though he had a human mother, Mr. Spock could still control his emotions, and also wouldn't necessarily hit another on the head so hard, so J.J. Abrams has a lot of explaining to do.

This is Chris Pine playing Captain Kirk. He doesn't look like William Shatner and I believe they put him on because he looks less gay than fellow auditonee Mike Vogel. The only other significant works these two have done are Smoking Aces and Cloverfield, both I haven't watched as I was buffing my penis with purple wax at the time.

Mind you, both don't have the same stare, stage presence and chin like William Shatner had until he added chin another as he grew old. Furthermore, they haven't released albums. If they set up a fund to pay for someone to regain his youth, I would recommend giving it to him instead.

In another part of the world, this cardinal is jumping up in the air (again) with an implement about to smash Ewan McGregor's head in. Usually cardinals don't this, but I guess they are generally pissed off having to serve an old man hand and foot instead of the old days when they sat in their little church raping altar boys, so his outburst seems justified.

Here is Ewan McGregor cowering on the floor ready to get his head smashed. Notice, of course, that there is actually a gleam of terror in his eyes. When Ewan was asked why he was doing Star Wars despite his hatred for major films, his reply, "I know that, but this is Star Wars!" was accompanied by his evening dinner of a small African baby girl, and now the Catholic church is about to dispense justice. I like the Catholic church, it's not selfish with its violence unlike fundamentalist brown people.

In theory, however, I have discovered a conspiracy that connects the two films, despite the fact that they have white men trying their best to jump like black volleyball players. One is a Jew film, while the other is a Catholic film. I'll let you guess which is which.

Global warming and Credit Crunch causing Monster proliferation

Monsters are rejoicing as more and more parents have been turning lights off in their children’s bedrooms to help save money and the environment.

.

For many decades now, the Monster population has been on a steady the decline; some say is due to the wider acceptance of Japanese type floor beds, abortion, low cost light bulbs and children’s increased exposure to adult media, alcohol and drugs.

“Children these days are going to bed later and later and in some cases, not at all” said a spokesperson for the Monster Party. “Combine this bad parenting with flagrant use of electricity and it’s no wonder Monsters have been seeing a diminishing return of children’s tears per acre, even with the world population rising.”

However, as the Credit Crunch begins to bite and the world’s governments start to drive families into adopting lower carbon emission lifestyles; lights as well as other electrical devices are going out, people are staying in and the Monsters are reaping the benefits.

It is not all good news for Monsters though, as LED technology continues to come along in leaps and bounds, providing increasingly cheaper long life lighting for the masses.

But for now, with the world’s economy and environment maintaining its downward spiral, the survival of the Cupboard and Under The Bed Monsters are assured.

Lone survivor in worldwide Valentine's Day Apocalypse speaks

After what seemed like an eternity living inside his flat in the East End of London, pioneering male underwear model Marshal Jackson awoke from the Valentine's Day Weekend to discover death and desolation throughout the entire city.

Speaking to a dictaphone in the hope that one day a possibly-alive journalist may pick up the cassette and air it on the fragile remains of national television, Mr Jackson said of his shock at having come out of hiding during the weekend to discover that his entire suburb, indeed the whole city, had disappeared during the weekend he spent inside his home to avoid the obvious marketing exploits and potential money-spending for empty promises and hopeless dreams.

"I was at home, painting my newest portrait," he describes, while scratching at something, potentially his testicles, "and I walked out on this morning on Monday to discover that everything's disappeared...people, cats and dogs, shops, buses, cars...even my bank account is clear, which is amazing since I had nothing in it in the first place."

Mr Jackson's theory on the devastation may have been down to the warm/cold insulation that saved him from the love-searching hag-shags patrolling the pubs/clubs looking for potential husbands, or the possible high he's feeling from not having smoked any cigarettes over the short time-period.

In other news, police have taken into custody a half-naked man screaming about the end of the world. Sources say the delusional man didn't have many friends and his next-of-kin have forwarded him on for psychiatric help.

Dad at 13 - Daily Mail doesn't help

Somehow I'm picking up a pattern that we here at the Daily Spam offices tend to hate anything the Daily Mail writes, especially as they employ an army of well-established and educated writers that sledge away in their neon-brightened business development complex that support the ethos:

"We're dumb people that write dumb for dumb people, cos there's lotsa us and them."

So, here's this month's fantastic example, courtesy of the infamous "DAILY MAIL REPORTER" (the sad newspaper's excuse for the Stig, except more racist).

"Alfie's apparent immaturity is evident in a video clip posted on the website YouTube this morning." - Excuse me, but he's 13, not many at that age are.

"It shows Alfie, whose voice has not broken, cradling his new-born daughter as Chantelle sits next to him." - Yes, of course, because he's 13, his voice wouldn't have broken yet.

"Asked on the video what he will now do financially, Alfie replies: 'What's financially?'" - HE'S FUCKING 13, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION TO ASK A 13 YEAR-OLD!!!!!!!!!!

But in one brief mention, they paint a mature outlook of the adults that were responsible over the kids:

"'I told her [Chantelle] it was lovely to have the baby but I wish it was in different circumstances. We have five children already so it's a big financial responsibility. But we are a family and will pull together and get through.'" - Sounds very mature from a lady who looks like Catharine Tate's school-girl character Lauren Cooper.

So three cheers to the Daily Mail, who have OBVIOUSLY cornered the market in dumb writing. Congratulations.

Why Imran Yusuf is better than Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does push-ups, while Imran Yusuf does put-downs.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the sun just to get a tan under his legs. Imran Yusuf is already tanned.

Chuck Norris can believe its butter, but Imran Yusuf IS butter.

Chuck Norris spelt backwards is Imran Yusuf.

Chuck Norris needed to roundhouse kick out of his mother’s womb when she went into labour. Imran Yusuf just flew a plane out.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club, but Imran Yusuf can make people laugh about it.

Chuck Norris’s beard makes bulletproof vests, while Imran Yusuf’s beard can take away your virginity.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick our moon out of orbit, but Imran Yusuf can smack it for being old.

Chuck Norris can scare dinosaurs, but Imran Yusuf made them.

When Chuck Norris walks down the street with an erection, he creates a new community. When Imran Yusuf walks down the street with an erection, he creates an army.

Chuck Norris has a beard to hide his chin. Imran Yusuf has a beard to hide his other hand to smack you face with.

Thunder sounds like Chuck Norris, but earthquakes sound like Imran Yusuf.

Chuck Norris can make a plane derail, but Imran Yusuf can make a train lift-off.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky, but Imran Yusuf can blow you up with a joke.

When Chuck Norris swims he gets wet, but when Imran Yusuf swims water gets Imran Yusuf.

Chuck Norris created all the colours in the spectrum except black. Imran Yusuf invented black.

Chuck Norris has already facebooked your mum, but Imran Yusuf Imran Yusuf’ed your grandma.

When Chuck Norris dumps a girl it’s always him. When Imran Yusuf breaks up with a girl it’s always her.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it. Imran Yusuf takes the whole bakery.

Chuck Norris is not your daddy, Imran Yusuf is.

Billboard Advertisements for 2009

Sweeney throwing a wobbly over Cruisey

Some of you more intelligent readers may recall a lovely Panorama special featuring BBC reporter John Sweeney, as he travelled across America doing a special on the Church of Scientology, and his infamous loss of temper at the representative who challenged his journalistic integrity.

I, for one, love a big shout and here's the big man again, this time giving his 2 cents about Scientology's favourite son's new Nazi war-film shot entirely out of perspective, Valkyrie:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7850746.stm

Eating the world's hottest chilli

The last few seconds of this vid are pretty bad.

New stereotype in society

Stop worrying? Who is worried?

The Atheist Bus Campaign kicks off with the intent to convert you into a specific point of view, you know, completely unlike religion.

Although organised religion has proved to have an absurd effect on people, the insinuation that those who believe in God/a deity/ a greater conscience/ creator etc are people who are worrying is probably unfair. Like the scores of Football hooligans who ruin Football do NOT represent the sport of Football or many other Football fans, religious fundamentalists/extremists do NOT represent the conscience who those who believe that there is more to life than meets the eye.

Thus begins a new stereotype in this 'age of faith'. Just like NOT all Black people are thieves, NOT all people who believe in a greater meaning to life are worried.

Without some religion, there would be no gift-giving holidays. Instead, you could walk up to someone, stab them to death and say "Happy Survival of The Fittest Day".

Just remember, the only law you need to follow is this -

DON'T BE A DICK, BE BEAUTIFUL


We all have a capacity for love.

Bad videos to start the week

Ever wonder what the pain and suffering caused by Cancer might feel like? Well wonder no longer.

http://www.chrisdaneowens.com/video/shine_flash.html

and

No ambition? Join London Transport today!

London Transport are delighted to announce a new recruitment drive to encourage those who lack ambition to help create the piss-poor infrastructure that ensures millions of passengers are delayed, uncomfortable, stuck, lied to, and over-charged by the biggest rip-off the UK has to offer.

A variety of positions are on offer to suit your lack of ambition and complete ineptitude, all positions promise a great renumeration package (which means you get paid well) with a salary exceeding that of many doctors and nurses, and including a great pension so that you can regale the youth of tomorrow with tales of how you were instrumental in once making their parents late for work or any other worthwhile engagement the rest of society have tried to pursue.

The current positions on offer -

Train Driver
A somewhat generous title considering that a train only moves in one direction and requires no steering. You will be expected to pilot several tons of victorian engineering which carries hundreds of people at any one time along a sturdily built track, only to be foiled by the organised criminal mastermind plot of fallen leaves. You are expected to arrive to work late, and then casually walk up the platform very slowly with your issued holdall over your shoulder and a copy of The Sun newspaper in the other to let passengers know that you don't give a fuck about anything and that you'll get to your cockpit of being a cunt whenever the fuck you please. You've never had any ambition in your life, but the steady pay cheque ensures that you can treat your low-expectation-having partner at home to a night out at Jongleurs where you will fear revealing your vocation to the inquiring comedian for fear of being hated by the entire audience.

Ticket Inspector
The most feared of all authority figures in the world. Chavs, Rude Boys, and other undesireable shitheads will make a quick dash through the carriages to avoid you whilst you check everyone has the correct ticket. Failure to produce the correct ticket will give you carte blanche to make the offending person feel like a Palestinian kid on the end of an Israeli Apache Helicopter rocket, as you figure out how to use the hand-held device which creates tickets as the touch of a touch-screen button.

Information Analyst
Your job will be to ensure that call information is incorrect and impossible to understand thus panic ensues and that life for society is disrupted. Fabricating problems by using terms such as "signal failure" to delay and upset passengers is expected of you at least once a day, and all excuses must be delivered with a sincere tone to create the illusion that you ever gave a fuck about anything other than getting overpaid so that you can buy your chav-children a PS3.

One day soon, robots will do your job, and then you can fuck off forever.

Onion Volcano