Christian Teacher suspended for open mindedness

A Christian supply teacher has been suspended from her job teaching ill children at home after offering to pray for a sick pupil and thus exposing her to the radical dangers of beliefs.

Olive Jones, 54, from Weston-super-having-a-Mare, said the girl had been too ill for a lesson. The teacher then decided to speak about her belief in miracles, a dangerous ideology that there might be more to life than what scientists in white coats and calculators will permit society to accept.

But the girl's mother said they were not believers in anything other than Richard Dawkins because he wrote a book which is the truth because he wrote it and knows everything about the universe because he is a scientist and must know absolutely everything. Thus she made a complaint to protect her daughter from the effects of beliefs, in the fear that science might be disproved if her daughter might recover in some inexplicable way that might threaten her sense of reality which includes Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Emergency laws have be called for to prevent such extreme ideologies being spread in schools, calls for an immediate ban on all forms of prayer, hoping, and wishing "good luck" to others is likely to be put into effect in the new school semester.

Iran misfires...blames premature projectile on West

Reports have come in of Iran's Revolutionary Guard prematurely firing two rockets into the air. Sources say one Guard fell asleep while listening to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's latest tirade against freedom and liberty so celebrated by Western societies, and his fat head hit the big red button on his panel, launching the Shahab-3 and Sajjil rockets which have long-range potential to land on any kebab shop in Britain.

Speaking from the side of the street, President Ahmadinejad calmly explained the reason for firing these dangerous weapons into the air. "We blame it on white people." he said. "Lawyers and politicians, street-sweepers and the like, we blame it on the white people of the West who attract men like our world-renowned Revolutionary Guard to be distracted by such shows on television as Reaper, Ugly Betty and Forum."

He continued, "Know this, my beloved Iran. Anyone who wishes to have a go at us about us prematurely blowing our load will be met with aggression and tyranny, and we will crush them under our might."

The President, however, is coming under pressure from his wife, who blames the entire incident on his boring speeches about hating everyone else except the Man in the Mirror, a new Iranian play about himself pretending to shave while listening to Nina Simone.

Today sees the introduction of a new law that will force dickhead motorists to drive with their headlights on, during the day.

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Thousands of accidents a year are caused by dangerous drivers, who tailgate other cars at speed, undertake, and change lanes without indicating, ignoring bad weather and poor visibility. The new law hopes to reduce these accidents by giving other drivers advanced warning that the motorist behind them is a possible cunt, giving them extra time to take action accordingly.

The car manufacturer Audi said that they had known in advance about the legislation and began designing cars several years ago which featured headlights that remained permanently on whilst the engine was running.

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Wolf Brummer, head of design at Audi had this to say: ‘90% or our clientele are self important wankers, and we thought that it was our duty, as a responsible company, to provide a warning to other road users.’ ‘We advise that anyone who sees a car behind them with their headlights on during the day, to change lanes immediately, and let the tosspot pass.’

Those caught breaking the law will be charged with ‘Dangerous driving whilst being a Douchebag.’ It carries a maximum sentence of 12 months in jail, 2 years ban from driving, £50,000 fine, and a confiscation of self-tan, sunglasses, hair gel and any dance music.

Grayson Perry turns crash course artist

Fresh off the gravy train of bespoke art galleries and pumped up networking shows, the talented pottererer known to some as Grayson Perry and to most as a bloke that only wears a dress during the times when people will actually appreciate him for doing that, has released a series of images detailing his "swerve" away from conventional pieces and heading straight into situations where he would crash cars into things. Literally.
So please bear with us as we travel with Grayson as we present but a few of the many situations he has come across for your pleasure.

First piece is detailed "Car Crash Fun", showing that Grayson is not afraid of showing off his own manliness and displays an affectionate term for "check out that trunk". Notice the grayscale colour to ensure that the image bypasses the colour problems with the pools of blood that would be collecting around when Grayson would've hit his head against the steering wheel.
Also, of course, your eyes moved quite close to her nice bum first.

Another fine example of city driving from the perrenial artist. Observe the definite angle he's placed the car. Obviously he must've seen a pigeon and decided to press hard on the pedal in order to exceed 88 miles per hour, therefore raising the hood to an angle that steeps the car up, gathering air and proprelling the vehicle high into the air before coming to a crash because, as we all know in the common sense of physics, all things have to fall down hard and certainly not soft. Conveys a sense of "wtf" ten times over.

And finally, let's not forget how some people can't seem to understand the finalities of a fence and drive straight through into a mucky pool. Here, Grayson wants to introduce to the viewer a sense of longing for the proverbial womb, feeling cocooned in a safe environment while driving back head-first into water.
He obviously retains his manliness further by wanting, or even yearning, to get back into any vagina. That's my boy, Grayson, that's my boy.

For further info into all of Grayson Perry's works, please ask him yourself down at 88 the Morgue, Stevenage.

It's the lingua franca of currencies - a symbol of wealth in movies, music, backpackers' pockets and central banks. But as the news that prostitutes around the world are beginning to stop accepting the dollar as payment, we ask, is this the end of the currency?

‘Sucky Sucky Five Dolla!’ For more than half a century, this iconic phrase has been shouted by Thai and Chinese whores throughout Asia, but in this era of uncertainty, with the value of the dollar dropping dramatically, it is now increasingly unlikely that any prostitute will be able to ‘love you long time’ without first receiving payment in either euro or the Chinese yuan.
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Chow Ping Pei, who works the streets in Phuket had this to say: ‘I be wif many American Soldier, but no more take dolla, it almost worthress. They get arful angry wen I say I want Euro, but I don care!’
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Happy Finish?
Many economists are worried by this increasing trend, as less dollar bills being taken by the prostitutes, means less dollars in the Pimp’s and drug dealer’s pockets. This eventually filters up to the local gangs and larger organized crime syndicates.

Paul Sarrowitz Federal Reserve board member, had this to say: ‘The US relies heavily on the Mafia and various other gangs using the dollar to buy weapons, bribe judges, police forces and governments around the world. If organized crime as a whole, decided to switch to another currency, this could be very bad for the US economy.’
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‘We must ensure these crime families carry on buying American and this starts with meeting and talking with prostitutes face to face, as I have myself, many times this week.’
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The thought of dollar bills not being used to snort Cocaine, may send shivers down the spine of many Americans. But until confidence can be re-instilled in the brothels, bath houses and massage parlours, the future of the dollar bill hangs in the balance.

STOP ISLAMIFICATION OF EUROPE fail to stop Islam

Stephen Gash; Leader of Stop Islamification of Europe had his arse handed to him on Friday afternoon outide Harrow Central Mosque in North-West London after a group from United Against Facism and Muslims from all over London united with each other against all but a handful of SIOE protesters who were heavily outnumbered.

The SIOE fear that weapons of mass destruction are being built inside the newly extended Mosque and that plans to kidnap Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny are being concocted to bring about widespread panic and dismay in the western world before imposing Sharia law on Jordan's tits. The rampant growth of "Islamification" in Britain concerns the SIOE due to the rapid expansion of "Mega Mosques", cheap Halal chicken shops and even cheaper Barbers.

Under the impression that all Muslims ever do is plan terrorist attacks against the free world when not beheading infidels, Stephen wishes to prevent people from their own religious or political beliefs on the grounds that if everyone is not the same as him, that they must be bad and therefore their freedom and right to think or believe in what they want to should be revoked by force by him and his merry band of fearful and hate mongering feral neanderthals whose favourite food is actually curry.

Groups such as Stop Islamification of Europe, The British National Party and the English Defence League have successfully managed to garner the fear felt by many in the English public and rationalise it into provocative and ignorant movement to generate hate and further divide the diverse British community into more chaos. Citing "multiculturism" as an initiative that has not worked, these groups rationalise that this forced coexistence has brought about a threat to the existing British culture. Yet simultaneously ignoring the fact that Britain was built off the back of forced imperialism right across the globe and then further maintained by immigrants after World War 2.


To look at it fairly, the reputation of Muslims and the great religion and culture of Islam has been tainted by the extreme actions of a small yet significant group of Muslims in the UK who are themselves like the SIOE, BNP etc fearful and hate mongering. The extent of these actions include willing to murder innocent civilians in retaliation of the illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the illegal occupation of Palestine all of which the British government has been complicit in. However, as justified as these actions may be legitimised in their heads, these largely British-born Muslims are for some reason completely unaware of how pro-Palestinian the general British public is and the outcry and solidarity the general British public have shown against the illegal wars. Also widely intolerant of anyone not like them, these few who are purposefully given exposure to incite hatred do not represent the larger Muslim community in Britain.

Thanks to these events taking place, albeit ultimately permitted and staged by the power elite, the true motive to keep our minds off the bigger picture of a totalitarian state and a micro-chipped population is achieving completion with each wasted effort that such pointless prejudice brings.

One day, we might just learn that this is true.

Three guilty of airline bomb plot

Three people have been found guilty of plotting to kill thousands of people by blowing up planes flying from London to America with home-made pencil case bombs.

A Woolwich Crown Court jury convicted Rod Burton 58, Jane Tucker 57 and Roger Walker 58 also known as Rod, Jane and Freddy, of ‘Conspiracy to conspire about conspiring in secret to activate explosive devices conspiratorially, that would explode explosively on a flying machine whilst in the air and in the presence of other people, causing them to explode as well as the flying machine, the bastards’.

Four other cast members of Rainbow were found not guilty of involvement in the suicide bomb plot.

The arrests in August 2006 caused chaos to international aviation and prompted the current restrictions on travelling with any sort of baggage or suspiciously large looking shoes.

The jury heard that at the time of his arrest, plot ringleader Rod Burton had identified seven US and Canada-bound flights to blow up over the Atlantic within a two-and-a-half-hour period.
They were flights from London's Heathrow airport to San Francisco, Washington, New York, Chicago, Toronto and Montreal. Had the planes taken to the air with bombers on board, there would have been little chance of saving them.

His "quartermaster", Jane Tucker, had secured bomb ingredients at her home and in woods in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. A flat in the Walthamstow area of north-east London became the bomb factory.

There the guilty party put together a special home-made mixture of chemicals that they planned to take onto planes in ordinary Zippy pencil cases stored within hand luggage. Rod Burton, Jane Tucker and Roger Walker, had been found guilty previously of a conspiracy to dance and sing on a prime time children’s show.

The jury in that first trial could not decide whether their plans extended to detonating the devices on the planes or during a panto. But a second jury was convinced.

The plot became the biggest terror investigation in the UK and intelligence officers believe it was directed by Timmy Mallet, and Matthew Corbett of Sooty Show fame.
The Daily Spam understands that the key contact for the plotters was a British man, Rod Hull (+ Emu), now thought to be dead.


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'Daring plot'
Security officials on both sides of the Atlantic believe the three wanted to kill thousands in the air and possibly more on the ground, in revenge for being banned from appearing any more pantos.

Home Secretary Alan Johnson welcomed the verdicts, saying: "We are currently in talks with Colonel Gaddafi about returning the trio to Libya in exchange for Lockerbie bomber Megrahi.”
"This whole Lockerbie bomber thing has been a bit of a headache, so if we can get Megrahi back as soon as possible, then this whole kafuffle will hopefully blow over.”

“According to our contacts, he is not that happy anyway, apparently he found out that Libya would not be receiving any shipments of the PS3 slim, which has greatly angered him.”

According to sources the only known PS3 in the country is owned by Gaddafi.

Soon after the Home Secretary's speech, Colonel Gaddafi released this statement:

"Why the fuck would I swap Rod, Jane and Freddy for Megrahi? They are not even Libyan. Give me Katy Perry I’ll think about it.”

“As for Megrahi, he just needs to stop fucking whining about not having a PS3, why didn’t he buy one whilst he was in the UK? I’m not lending him mine again; he makes the controllers all sweaty!”

Why Portuguese are beautiful and Spanish are ugly

Portuguese


Spanish

Portuguese


Spanish

Portuguese


Professor of Spanish


Portuguese


Spanish Hoodie


Portuguese


Ugly Spanish Nose (with a capital N, which is offense to capital N's everywhere)


Hottie Redhead Portuguese


Ugly Spanish Woman (known to her blind fans as "GGGHGHAAAHHA, GHAHAHGHGHAHAHA" according to our language warped into a weird dialect they call Spanish)


Salma Hayek, hot Mexican who speaks Spanish (we can cure her of both)

CUNTSOMER SERVICE

Britain; a fine example of a first world nation replete with coexisting cultures, distinguished infrastructure of a civilised society and the WORST customer services reputation on the entire planet.

In the midst of the economic abortion that the world is in, world leaders are encouraging consumers to spend their way out of the credit crunch and revitalise the illuminati-staged economic down-fall engineered to introduce a single currency amongst other ideals congruent to the protocols of Zion. However, despite this encouragement to spend, the front line of Britain's businesses refuse to capitalise on this with the most diabolical customer services ever attempted in the history of mankind's ability to communicate for the purpose of trade.

Supermarkets are furnished with coach-potato staff manning the tills with scruffy uniforms, an infernal sense of hygiene consisting of acne-ridden skin and finger nails that could claw out a Velociraptor in a punching competition, and the enterprising passion of a dog shit that desires to one day wear a candle and call itself a birthday cake. Those numerate and technically proficient enough to operate the giant calculator with the science-fiction-like infra-red beam of cataloging items lack any interest in doing a satisfactory job unlike their advertised counterparts on TV and instead morosely scan items and throw them down the other end of their special-needs desk with no interest in helping the customer pack their items away. To add insult to this services injury, the staff will look upon the customer packing their items and expect immediate payment and use the growing queue of other customers to intimidate the existing customer to pay faster.

Advice -
Listen you no ambition having fucktard. Scan and then help pack the items for the customer you solvenly Jabba The Hut till-manning fungus.

The ever popular mobile phone store is also an exponent of the bad customer service seen in Britain. Often manned by Asian Rudeboys (AKA 'Chavistanis') in ill-fitting suits with hairstyles and beards painted on by a Civil Engineer, and older Asian men who took the job to get away from the wife they abhor at home. These epic failures will avoid all eye contact with customers until you can pin them down in a corner and request some service. At this point, sales staff will regale you with all that is impossible and what they CANNOT do for you, before treating any request you have with a passive hostility and disbelief that the phone you are trying to return does not work.

Advice -
Your family did not emmigrate here so that you could only learn 5 words of actual English and come up with a million reasons to why you cannot help a customer. Make an effort to smile and befriend customers and you might get some job satisfaction. Not everyone understands the technical quandaries of operating a mobile phone so be proactive with what you CAN do and extend your fucking vocabulary you fucking dyslexic cuntbag.

To conclude this rant disguised as an article on a satirical website, the fact remains that there is a massive fucking gap in the market for excellent customer services that plainly does not exist in this country. Fill it, and you become a millionaire.

And finally, if I come to your business and you provide a poor customer service expecting my money for your lack of interest and ability, I will run you over with a JCB.

Madonna ruins Bulgarian stadium ahead of silly soccer game

Bulgarian officials are left with questions without answers as a recent Madonna has ruined their national stadium prior to Saturday's important World Cup qualifier versus Montenegro.

In a statement given from across the street to the ruined venue, sporting director Nasko Sirakov has laid full blame on the organisers of the pop star's world tour, who were not fully prepared to keep the pitch intact and instead allowed thousands of illiterate Bulgarian party-goers to parade around the grass with boots, Wellingtons and sandles, ruining it for everybody.

"WTF???????????" said Mr Sirakov. "I mean, seriously, W.......T.......F?????????????"


Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated incident, Madonna has pledged a shitload of money to the Australian's Strawberries Fund, in thanks to the fact that someone delivered bunches of the fruit to her dressing room after the concert. Sources that took a peek in have voiced their concerns for her adopted African brood, however, who lay chained to the floor and plead for some of the food while she feeds her normal white children she naturally popped out while shagging some white guys.

BNP REFUSES ENTRY TO EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL IMMIGRANTS

Prime Minister-to-be and total winningest MEP champion Nick Griffin has addressed a landing party of Extra Terrestrial Greys from Zeta Reticula to "Go home" after a monumental landing in London yesterday.
Staunch on his "White only" policy, Griffin could not be convinced that Greys were White enough and were more Black, especially with their pimped-out space ships. The newly elected MEP ordered the inter-stellar travellers back into outer space despite offers of technology like zero-point energy engines and molecular surgery to cure any human ailment. "If we mix with these people now, we will later regret embracing a universal brotherhood for it will broaden our horizons and diminish the need for sensationalist and fear-mongering propaganda that I need to divide Britain", said Griffin whilst having lunch at Lahore Karahi in Southall with childhood best friend Manesh "Sootie" Patel (pictured).


Mr Patel told The Daily SPAM in a cliched accent - "Nick is all right chap in my estimates I tell yous. He is just influenced more out of the fear than the potential for human collaboration and so has becomes the voice for the angst of the ignorant and fearful in Britain. He knows that in reality, that although he wants a White Britain, he is a big fan of Lenny Henry".


The Daily SPAM spoke to Lenny to get his reaction on Nick Griffin's penchant for his comedy. "I think I helped integrate Britain by making the lowest common denonator feel safe and by marrying a White woman. Also getting an OBE from the Queen has helped too, but despite Nick's approval of my comedy stylings, I still can't join some Country Clubs for fear that I may car-jack a Golf buggy and do a drive-by shooting" said Henry in his true West-Indian dialect unseen on TV (transcribed from colloquialisms).

With the illusion of racial division, superiority and inferiority plauging the world like a ravenous cancer, not even the extended hand of friendship from another world could extinguish the epic fear and hatred we have cultivated across the globe which we permit to control our destiny.

As a sign of good faith, Daily SPAM Editor Imran Yusuf fully intends to marry a White woman to help build bridges between communities and demonstrate that love can conquer all, especially with the following women (pictured).

Michael Jackson is dead, age 50 - exclusive opinion

Ok, Michael Jackson is dead. Deader than dead, actually. In fact, to be particularly honest, he's really as dead as they come. And after so much strife with reporters, journalists and hacks, sweatboys and print-outs, executives and executors of his debt, he has finally done what someone in his position should do...get the bloody hell out of here. So...

1. Sony, you're gonna make a LOT of money selling his records
2. Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of money buying his records
3. Non-Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of money buying his records
4. Non-Michael Jackson fans, you're gonna spend a LOT of time writing on blogs and websites about people, whether they're a fan of Michael Jackson or not, spending a LOT of money buying his records
5. I'm going to spend time this weekend playing Xbox 360. Maybe some Fallout 3, although I did pick up Wolfenstein 3D for 400 Microsoft points, and that's a bargain for such a classic game. I mean, really, since id software has now been bought by Zenimax, parent company of Bethesda, I'm getting pretty disenfranchised with the entire industry as a consumer...and then afterwards watch some company, give some support to comedians and then have a few drinks, travel home with hope and dreams, jump into my shorts, maybe have a little poo, etc etc.
   

Us, Out of Service?? No way!!!

Some believe we're done for, the creativity of three grown men aching to make headway in writing biased and unsubstantiated lies of politicians and celebrities laying dead in the gutter and smelling of its own pee-pee.

But NO, we're not dead...we're just resting.

With Imran flying the flag for ethnic minorities to show the rest of the world that there are some good-looking men with broken noses underneath those bomber jackets, Ben making sure he can keep a job now that some companies are scared of paying money to staff that simply play games all day, and myself trying my very, VERY BEST, to convince my own mother that I can be a funny person, we're just following our dreams as best we can but remembering that the Daily Spam needs our little attention.

And attention it will get. Soon.

Financial Fool's Day Protests - London

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith in MP Expense "porn" caper

The United Kingdom's Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, is currently embroiled in an expenses scandal in which, apart from claiming cash back from the taxpayers to pay for her second home in Redditch, two adult films viewed by her husband Richard Timney over a television subscription service were claimed back. These two films, possibly portraying scantily-clad lesbians fondling each other in provocative ways in front of cameras for money, were charged at £5 each to the nation.

Looking at all these pictures of Jacqui Smith....CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WATCHING THEM???!!!!

When funny photos get funnier

Dalai Lama banned from South Africa; "We have enough in our zoos, thanks"

South African authorities have announced that they are not granting a visa to Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama, stating in a press release, "We have enough llamas in our zoos, thank you."

"Due to the ever-increasing population of llamas that are draining our economy and putting pressure on the 48 million people living within our borders, it does not seem sensible and logical to allow the leader of the llamas, who does not even live here, own a house here or even use a cellphone to order takeaway pizza, to come to our beautiful land with 95.7% of the nation being slightly tanned."

Sources for the Dalai Lama, who was to attend a peace conference during the 2010 World Cup being held in the country and which was to focus how football (or soccer, depending who's hosting the game would call it) can be used for peace by utlising the millions of hooligans with drink and drugs, said that they're pissed off and "gonna cap some asses."

Demi God Jade dies

Flags remained at half-mast today as the news of the death of Jade Goody, the People’s Foul Mouthed Princess, continued to reverberate around the world.

Champion of human rights, Defender of Peace, Uniter of nations, faiths and creeds, Mother of the world’s children, Guardian of Justice, an intellectual powerhouse. None of these titles describe Jade Goody, but it seems obvious to most, that if she had not died so young, Jade indeed would have saved the entire human race from economic, social and environmental disaster.

Three days of international mourning is set to take place, after a public outpouring of grief.

For her work in promoting reality TV and for having Cancer whilst being famous, The Queen has bestowed the title of Dame posthumously. Gordon Brown is reported to be in the middle of drafting a bill, that will officially rename Sunday to Jadeday, in honour of the hereon. Plans are also underway for a full state burial. It has also being rumoured that Jade will be laid to rest in Westminster Cathedral.

Newspapers, magazines, TV and Radio organisations have been rallying to remind us all that the life of a celebrity is worth 100,000 times more than that of a normal person.

Many Journalists are said to be struggling to restrain themselves from filling up every column inch and minute of airtime on the story; for soon they know that people will stop giving a shit, and the cash will stop flowing freely into their pockets.

If Jade’s life proves anything, is that even if you are not beautiful, intelligent, or talented in anyway, by getting your tits out on TV you too can become famous.

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Comments:

Jadelover
23 Mar 09, 9:03am03am

Her death proves once again that if God can give an AAA celebrity like Jade, Cancer, then really, anyone can get it!

Pap234
23 Mar 09, 9:04am

A celebrity life is with out a doubt a precious and wonderful thing. Everyone should be thankful for the never-ending heroic work of the Paparazzi, who put their life on the lines everyday in order that we can look at pictures of famous people in magazines and on TV.

Anon
23 Mar 09, 9:23am

WTF, she spent the last year trying to rescue her career, if it wasn’t for the Cancer she would have disappeared from completely.

LuvyajadeRIP
23 Mar 09, 10:01am

Luv ya Jade sooooo much!!!!!!XXX!!!! RIP!!!XXXX

Racistsburn
23 Mar 09, 10:01am

BURN IN HELL YOU RACIST PIG!

John32
23 Mar 09, 10:02am

Wow, seriously is there nothing else going on in the world. Think I heard a whisper about world financial ruin and a load of school children being murdered. But TBH some Z list celebrity nobody does deserve the front page of every newspaper.

IssacHussien
23 Mar 09, 10:07am

FREE PALESTINE!!! CONVICT THE ISRAELI WAR CRIMINALS!!!

Anon
23 Mar 09, 10:27am

i want 2 get cancer as wel so i can get on TV!

Deena G, Begay
23 Mar 09, 10:52am

Princesses always srieked at me and even fellows did in the open water closet!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 7 months and now my pecker is truly weightier than usual.
earn http://stratxsscs.com/

Mum willing to pay woman to sleep with Down's son

Lucy Baxter, a staunch supporter of equal rights for Down's Syndrome sufferers everywhere, is pleading to the general public for any female out there to spend time with her 21 year-old adopted son, Otto, and possibly form a deep and meaningful enough relationship to eventually remove his virginity.

She is determined to fulfill his need for procriation, but kindly requests for ladies of his own age-group as he is quite scared of doing the nasty with older women.

He likes pizzas, S Club 7, and Lindsay Lohan, and enjoys watching movies like Child's Play.

He acts in plays and has many friends, some even of a female nature who obviously don't want to ruin their friendship with him by letting him poke them vigorously with his juicy meat-stick.

Miss Baxter, if you're THAT willing to pay someone to have sex with your adopted son, please contact celebrity agent Max Clifford who can put you in contact with the following people willing to do it for the press time and money:

All images courtesy of the Mirror, and like fuck am I going to apologise for stealing them. 2009

Star Trek / Angels and Demons - Conspiracy?

I remember going to the theatre recently and watching trailers for upcoming films Star Trek and Angels and Demons. And both of them had a person jumping up with an implement ready to smash into someone's head.

This intrigued me, so I have begun to research into this:

Here we see Zachary Quinto's Spock jumping, about to hit Chris Pine's Captain Kirk over the head. Even though he had a human mother, Mr. Spock could still control his emotions, and also wouldn't necessarily hit another on the head so hard, so J.J. Abrams has a lot of explaining to do.

This is Chris Pine playing Captain Kirk. He doesn't look like William Shatner and I believe they put him on because he looks less gay than fellow auditonee Mike Vogel. The only other significant works these two have done are Smoking Aces and Cloverfield, both I haven't watched as I was buffing my penis with purple wax at the time.

Mind you, both don't have the same stare, stage presence and chin like William Shatner had until he added chin another as he grew old. Furthermore, they haven't released albums. If they set up a fund to pay for someone to regain his youth, I would recommend giving it to him instead.

In another part of the world, this cardinal is jumping up in the air (again) with an implement about to smash Ewan McGregor's head in. Usually cardinals don't this, but I guess they are generally pissed off having to serve an old man hand and foot instead of the old days when they sat in their little church raping altar boys, so his outburst seems justified.

Here is Ewan McGregor cowering on the floor ready to get his head smashed. Notice, of course, that there is actually a gleam of terror in his eyes. When Ewan was asked why he was doing Star Wars despite his hatred for major films, his reply, "I know that, but this is Star Wars!" was accompanied by his evening dinner of a small African baby girl, and now the Catholic church is about to dispense justice. I like the Catholic church, it's not selfish with its violence unlike fundamentalist brown people.

In theory, however, I have discovered a conspiracy that connects the two films, despite the fact that they have white men trying their best to jump like black volleyball players. One is a Jew film, while the other is a Catholic film. I'll let you guess which is which.